This & That with Myself

It is funny how things work out this way…

The person that you usually hate will like you, and the person that you like will always end up hurting you the most.

The person that I hate treated me the best. Today, the person that I hate so much pissing me off like hell, but at the end, that person make up all of it, act just like a dog and let me order around with no complaints at all. Should I stop hating?

The person that I don’t like usually treating me the best also, they are always the one that care the most about me, always there when I need someone, always there when I need advice, always doing the things so right that I have no words to complaint. Always, these people, always never hurt me.

The person that I usually like sometimes treat me ok, sometimes treat me badly. The weatherman I should say…but always, end up hurting me the most and always not around when I need someone, always get a silent at the other side of the phone, always not picking up phone calls, always not returning emails, always, the one that is hurting my feeling and never really care about how I feel.

So should I think about stop liking the people that I like and stop hating the people that I hate and start liking the people that I don’t like?

Funny how logical this can be, but is so truth.

What happened in V2O, stays in V2O…

The laugh, the tears, the craziness, the dance, the people that passing by, the smile, the ignorance, the not so straight walking style, the flash lights, the drunken one, the not so drunken one, the smoke, the liquor, the beer, the cute camera man, the friendly bartenders, the hip hop music…

What happened in my evil twin’s place, stays in my evil twin’s place…

The sukiyaki, the alcohol, the CB people, the birthday boys, the birthday song, the birthday cake, the crazy neighbor who stay home on a Saturday night, whoever angel, the PM, the PMC, tons of human fluid from the stomach, the laugh, the craziness, the smoke, the sleeping bag, the greentea on the floor, the human zoo….

On top of all these, I woke up at 4pm on a Sunday afternoon, feeling good and ya, feeling hopeful!

Another amazing page in the LaLa land, with you, the special CB people!

Is not last night, it was the night before, and before and before and before… last night.

"I am sorry", sounded so truthful and honest.

You lost track of time? So do I, I lost track of time and space, floating around in the universe, forgetting how much I invested on things that are not floating with me right now.

Today I finally realize what is the real cause of my mid-20s crisis, because only your heart tell you the truth. And I want my heart tell me when will this all over? Silent…

As usual, I don’t just sit around and let the silent goes on, I look around and notice a lot of things that might replace or can be valuable, I need to enlarge them, I need to embrace them to be part of my life.

I thought about the dolphin at Newport Beach that I saw a while back, stay hopeful, I told myself.

5 years from now, when I look back, I hope I will laugh hysterically about this period of my life.

Is started or completed?

If it is started, but already missing out, so much.

If it is completed, what’s the point of continuing?

I wish I can be like Oscar, he found a key that lead him to countless lock, he is lost, he is uncertain about what will he get in the end, he is seeking.

I found a key that open the exact door that I want, I thought I am lucky because my seeking journey is over, but I can’t walk through that door, maybe not yet, I can only stand outside and watch everything that is happening. But I can only watch this much, I can only watch the things that pass through the door. I have to leave the rest to my imagination. What’s going on behind the wall? Behind another door and another door?

Through that door, there’s the truth that is so ugly sitting quietly and no one knows, I can’t step in and I can’t leave. If there’s no need of a Yes or No answer, I think I am at the right place and I already get the right answer.

I felt the tension again and I couldn’t sleep, I tossed around and thought what had I done wrong? Yes, I just need a little more patient, a little more time, a little stronger, a little more excuses and asking a lot less.

At least, I should be glad I am going through this at this age, it is testing the depth of my heart just how much stuffs I can handle. The depth will keep getting deeper, eventually, I can gain control, over….

Over myself.

I’m paralyzed with inaction lest I lose you forever.

Your nightmare is also your daymare, what you worried the most during the day will definately affect your dream at night. My precious extra hour this Sunday was used to dream a dream that I am so afraid of coming true one day.

But I did get the greatest comfort, I know I have choice, when I open that door, I can leave without a word; or I can open that door, walk out then come back; or I can just stay.

Standing in front of the door, I saw those memories floating in front of me. The smell, the light, the contact… so vivid and beautiful.

Do you still want to cry by yourself? Alone?

No.

So I close the door and start the unstarted, begin the unbegin…

Whatever that means.

If you live in the United States, you will spend a great deal of time talking to machine and real people that you will never met over the phone.

A customer service representative has become part of our life, a part that you hate it and love it, depends on the situation.

Today I spoke to my health insurance customer service representative. A man that has the best voice on the phone, he really sounded like he can take care of all my problems and know my needs. And my problem was solved at the end of our conversation.

I hang up the phone and sit still on the floor. Thinking if there’s anybody ever fall in love with someone just by hearing their voice? Did anybody ever ask the customer service representative on a date just because of their voice?

It is funny how our 5 senses work out that way, there’s really no dominant between them, you can never say vision is more important than taste, hearing is more important than smell. They work together, they can also work effectively alone.

In my opinion, I think when your 5 senses work together, it creates this very complicated judgement process in your brain. But when they work alone, things will become really simple.

So if we can fall in love with only one sense, it can possibly be the easiest thing on earth to do. Then love at first sight will be a regular in your life, asking your customer representative on a date will be ok.

How cool!? To fall in love.