This & That with Myself

She was weeping quietly when she told me what’s going on.

She thought it is such a shame that this is happening, she couldn’t accept this is actually happening to her.

A personality, an emotion, a mood or whatever it is that is haunting her, that she always hated, she always standing strong to defense her rational opinions and emotionless comments againts this evil. Yes, that is the evil she is talking about.

She tried to blame her physical inability to control her tears.

"I burst into tears, like whenever that struck me. When I drive, when I woke up, when I try to sleep, when I talk to somebody, when I listen to my favorite CD…I kept asking myself, "What’s wrong with me? Oh lord, what’s going on?" I told myself "It is ok, don’t cry, it will be fine, I will be fine, be tough" but nothing helps."

It bothers me that when I know she is experiencing something that is unexplainable.

Can a person really change suddenly? In every way that she used to hate, and she becomes just like that.

She told me about her chest problem. She said she felt like to stab something deep into her chest and twist it; the pain was like a cramp, something squeezing your heart so hard and try to pull it out, and it won’t go away until sunrise.

It is a long long vacation for her, yet, she won’t be able to enjoy even a single day. I told her, she shouldn’t be worry much if she can still function normally everyday besides the crying and the pain. That’s how I usually define mental disorder. Well, not something that is psychodic or serious…people do feel down from time to time, but if it doesn’t impact your life a great deal, it should be just a mood swing or you are probabl in a bad mood.

She said she was not sure, because the vacation is not over. She is not sure if she will be herself again when this is over.

From the bottom of my heart, there’s nothing else I want besides you feeling better for this holiday season, I really wish your love one will be there with you and give you the greatest comfort.

You know why writers always work from home?

First, ya, they can’t really afford to rent a space usually.

Second, you won’t get a mind rest when you work from home, you will have all these crazy ideas, silly thoughts, ridiculous imagination with things or simply yourself.

So, it will be a perfect period for me to be a writer instead of doing all these crap related to my job at home.

I said before, writing is a process of healing, but recently, I realize it can be a process of destroying as well…isn’t it how the ying and yang works? There’s always the up and down side of everything. But undoubtedly, while you are writing, it opens up your mind and options, it shows you more possibilites…which also mean, it makes thing more complicated in a way.

Maybe talking is better to straight things out, but you can’t take back your words.

You can’t erase what you said.

Surprisingly I watched quite a lot of blockbuster movies these days. From Across the Universe, Enchanted, Lust.Caution and then I Am Legend.

I think I will start going back to movie theater like I used to in junior school. Somehow along the way, I lost interest in watching movie. Just like reading, I should pick it up again. Because you always learn something from a film, no matter the film is good or bad, you are watching someone else life being projected on the big screen, you can always find some similarities with the character, because, we are all human, and films are created by human.

So, I Am Legend, the movie will not be anything without Will Smith great performance. Another position of seeing the end of world, again, a lot of things doesn’t make sense and it doesn’t have to. But I did question a great deal about myself after I watched this movie.

What’s my motive waking up every morning?

It is scary when you think about it, at least for me, because I just realize I have no motivation to wake up every morning. Not even for surviving.

I guess people will give up life more easily when there’s no struggling, no suffering, no faith…when people are so comfortable about their environment, or when they have everything that can satisfy their life, they stop living.

There must be something, bigger than living everyday life, like helping out others, sharing your love with the rest of the world, changing the unchangable, etc… something to make all my silly thoughts so tiny, make myself so tiny standing alone in this world.

But then, by not being selfish is the worst strategy to survive, because you will end up hurting yourself so much you can’t live on, you get depress and desparate. And then you lost motivation, to even wake up.

Is it enough? To wake up everyday because you have to finish your project, go to school, do your laundry, watch a football game, hang out with you friends… are all these motivations enough to make an excuse to live everyday? Compare to the last man stand on earth, who try to find cure and rescue the rest of human kind. Is it enough?

There’s definately pros and cons about working from home.

For me, the pro and con are pretty much the same. The pro? I can listen to whatever music I like. The con? I can listen to whatever music I like.

The most powerful thing on earth, for me, is definately music. I can sacrify almost everything for the music that I want to hear and I can definately slacking around just so that I can listen to the song I want to listen without missing any notes. Consequences is I probably have to work till 3am today…

Listening to the music I enjoy the most is a dangerous act. Because I usually couldnt stop exploring the same song again and again, or I just can’t do anything anymore coz I am emotionally affected by it. Of course, sometimes I will be financially affected by all these acts…

I am sure there are many people like me on earth. And after a few hours of working + listening music + exploring on internet about each song that I listened to…

Conclusion:

I will pay my life to watch PF reunion, and 1 year paychecks for a Radiohead concert!

See, this is bad, working from home.

To celebrate my almost freedom…I went to watch Enchanted today with m coworker. A film by the company that has the same vision with my compay- selling happiness.

I guess since Pixar is making enough fun of all the Disney fairy tales, Disney decided to make fun of themselves instead. Of course, if that’s the market to make money, why we want other people to do it for us? There you go, "Enchnted" is made for this Xmas season.

Surprisingly, the movie is great, showing Disney is still standing strong for their "happily ever after" point of view. They try to "modernize" this old believe by implement new elements and thoughts. I found it hillarious that when the evil step-mother sent the princess to a place where happly ever after will no exist, then the princess found herself in the sewer of NYC!

Anyway, I don’t want to be a spoiler just in case someone is interested watching this silly movie. But who knowss, this movie might brigthen up your day! For me, what I learned the most out of it is, how to position your believe differently by making more money…

Way to go, Disney!

When can an "almost miracle" comes complete if I keep breaking it before it truly become a miracle?

And how can I stop breaking it if there’s nothing to help me hold on to it? Nobody, no faith, nothing.

I woke up in the morning, knowing it is another day, I took a deep breath and feel glad that everything is over by now. Is another day to be invented, to make history, to smile, to breath, to live with an open heart and open mind.

Then I realize, living is the greatest miracle. It can give you the greatest comfort to live on, it can also destroy you like a dust in the universe…but we live on, maybe sometimes it gets difficult, still, we go home everyday, sleep and wake up, and is another day, and yesterday is over.

I guess, in a way, nature help us to heal and to feel better. That’s why, I can give up everything in life, but not my beauty sleep… because I need to feel better at the beginning of everyday and I want everything in yesterday over by then.

I know things are all over when I found myself enjoy listening to Oasis. Because I start to remember things that happened long time ago, those memories.

I put in this old CD of my, driving down on freeway 605, I feel the pain of holding on, the pain of waiting the right things to happen, and the pain of when everything goes wrong, then I heard song number 9 from this CD…by Oasis.

A Cold and frosty morning there’s not a lot to say
About the things caught in my mind
As the day was dawning my plane flew away
With all the things caught in my mind
And I wanna be there when you’re…
Coming down
And I wanna be there when you hit the ground
So don’t go away say what you say
But say that you’ll stay
Forever and a day…in the time of my life
Cos I need more time yes I need more time
Just to make things right
Damn my situation and the games I have to play
With all the things caught in my mind
Damn my education I can’t find the words to say
About all the things caught in my mind
Me and you what’s going on?
All we seem to know is how to show
The feelings that are wrong