This & That with Myself

I worked until 5am last night.

A new discovery about myself.

I was thinking to write a blog title "Open up bottle up". But the page was still there, blank, on my screen this morning.

This morning my buddy called me and I told him "I worked till 5am yesterday, now I am tired." He was like "WTF? I have never work till 5am my entire life!!" (Yeah, he is older!)

Then I start counting how many days I work for the past 1 and a half year, until 5am…then I lost count.

I just don’t think is a good idea to risk my health to work like a dog, but reality is, there are too many asses out there need someone to wipe them clean, so we can all live happily ever after.

I am sure none of you want to wake up and have so many dirty asses pointing at you. I certainly don’t want to, and in fact, I have OCD, if I see any dirty ass, I will have to clean them immediately!

So please, from today, start appreciating every single item you pick up from Target, Walmart, Gamestop, Bestbuy etc etc. Because each product that make it on the shelf been through so many dirty asses.

And is not easy.

Today I was so freaking bored because is a Saturday and there’s no snow.

Ever since the snow start melting and I can no longer to go to Big Bear for skiing on a Saturday morning, I tried to sleep as much as possible on Saturday, I tried to sleep until my eyes refuse to close anymore, then hoping half a day already past.

I went online, www.goski.com, looking at the trail maps around the world, chatting with my riding buddy…then I asked him, "What’s your plan for today?" He responded, " No plan, nothing, life is over, weekend is over."

Life truly feel like is all over now, I need to breath in new stuff to stimulate a new life to survive the long summer. Los Angeles is too lonely for me, skiing is almost like a life jacket to help me surviving my days here.

In my heart, I know this summer will be different from last summer, last summer was a blast, last summer was so awesome that it will stay in my memory forever, but I have no faith about this summer, no confident at all it will be as fun as last year, because I start skiing, because I will be on my on, also because I will not be on my on.

Besides the beach and the mountain, LA has been a big disappointment for me, I don’t like the way it pushes me to grow up, I don’t like the way it forces me to get used to loneliness, I don’t like the way it is so lifeless. But, LA makes my career rise like a rocket, is fast and unstoppable, is…but it is killing my life slowly at the same time.

Life is over, when I return to the land of freedom until I found myself on the slope, now, life is over again, until when?

I hope is only until tomorrow.

If one day I move forward, I will vanish, and let the pain to rest eternally.

Life is created by many cycles, you die one day, and you live one day. It depends on how you want to live, how you want to move.

But if I choose to restart everything, I will put the best effort to vanish in front of my own history.

Then, the new me.

I was watching the game by myself today, it was an intensive, surprising, breathtaking game. Once we throw in the 3 points at the very very last moment, I knew we gonna win it!

Memphis, obviously is a better team, but the Jayhawks present the worldclass mentality in sport. Like a general quote: "Is all in your mind" which is so true about so many thing.

I was so exciting about the win, jumping up and down like an idiot in my living room. My cellphone never stop ringing for a while from my beloved KU fellas, congratulating each other, so much joy and so much fun.

Then I opened the sake and drink a shot to celebrate this moment, and I realize, if I am still in Kansas, I will be marching down to Mass St because tomorrow there will be no school! Then I realize, college is so over and I am so lonely.

I scrolled down my phonebook and checked if there’s any potential people that I can call to go out and have a drink. But I gave up, without giving much chances. Cause is 9pm, cause is Monday. I don’t know who to call either, and I know exactly what kind of response I am gonna get if I didn’t pick the right guy.

I don’t like to be refused or to be rejected, so I shouldn’t even try.

My friend in SF told me, the city lost it spontaneity since you left, so is not about the city, is about you. I am investing so much in life to make sure I am enjoying every moment, so being spontenous is huge for me. But every since I move to LA, everything just shut down. Now I couldn’t even keep up with myself sometimes, my thoughts are fighting against each other: Is it right to do? Will this make me look weird? What will other say? How am I even gonna do it? What if?

Of course my job is responsible for a big part of this condition, and a lot of other reasons. I don’t even have any people problem anymore just because I don’t see many of them.

Have you ever had this feeling of everything is unreal because you are by yourself, alone?

I am having it right now. KU won the champion but maybe is not real because I am the only witness that I know. That I actually see. Who knows, they might not even play in NCAA game, maybe only me is watching the program that is not actually showing.

Now I wish I am a painter, I want to draw, because I am so bored, because once again I prove that boredome equal to creativity.

Anyway, Jayhawk won, cause I just google it.

I am laughing so hard at home by myself…

So hard, laughing alone, but feel great.

Coz today is the "No Complaint Day" for me so I guess I deserve some good laughs, and God make my wish come true.

Anyways, if you crazy about…, yes yes, I am talking about you and you and you you you, keep trying, never give up, don’t be afraid, is not like you are crazy about some monsters. I don’t know, why suddenly, everyone so afraid of trying and being creative? It is about going after something that is not necessary to be yours, but why don’t enjoy the process? And, who knows what’s the consequences gonna be, right?

YES, I sometimes feel great to write something on the blog only I know.

That’s pleasure!

Sometimes, we didn’t realize a tiny thing can totally make your day, and even make you feel glad about what you have.

But I wonder why our brain didn’t program in a way that to make this feeling last.

When you start taking things for granted unconsciously, there’s where the trouble begin. You take and take, without giving anything back and assume that’s your right to do so.

Living in California especially make you to be a person that take things for granted. The nice weather, the mountains, the beach, the ocean breeze, the diversity, the snow, etc. It is a great place to be, but still, so much to complain about. Especially myself, complaining about living in Los Angeles has become part of my life, and it didn’t get any better.

Until today, a page on the magazine totally change my point of view to the city. It goes back to the very fundamental issue that every human being needs to survive. A great team of water management group keep the city alive, keep this city alive like a oasis in the desert. The manage all the water and transfer them from different places to your house. Some water travel hundreds of miles to reach here, without complaining the congestion and long travel.

Imagine, we might not even have tap water one day without this great effort.

We pay a high price to live like this and we should be glad. If we have clean water to use everyday, seriously what else should we complain about?

If only we can ask for so little, if only life only demand so little. I guess the better quality a life is, the more we ask, the more we take for granted.

At least, I am glad I appreciate one day of my life without complaining. Life is short, one day can mean a lot.

But the crying on the other side of the world is real, no prank, no joke.

We all been through a day that we wish is April Fools. We wish the truth is a lie because we do not want to accept it.

I wonder who invented joke? Or is it part of the evolution?

I want it to be part of the evolution, I have this strong believe that humans are built-in lying machine. We all born to lie, to joke, to deceive others in order to protect ourself.

That’s why, human is the most unreliable thing on earth, so why do you want to put both of your hands to someone, who is a human being? We always keep one hand in our pocket, because you never know what will happen.

I hope you remember, I been through those time, just like you, if you remember. When I realized, those days are not April Fools, I cried like there’s no tomorrow. Now that I learn to keep one hand with me and never give out both hands, I am safe.

Believe in yourself just like how I believe in you, because you are superb, you are unique, you are very strong. You will be fine.