This & That with Myself

So my boss aka the fortune teller told this person, she had 3 broken hearts before in her relationships.

Then I teased him, how can he never told me how many broken hearts I had??

He told me, "You have never had a broken heart, idiot!"

I was stunned.

Ya, I am not superstitious about this kind of stuff, which my boss is very much into it and I almost have to listen to them every single day in my life. I have been trained to listen and forget at the same time, very well trained.

But how can I never had a broken heart?? Oh ok, remember this guy who did that to me, and then that guy who left me, and then and then this guy who made me look so stupid…..etc etc.

How on earth he said I never had a broken heart?? That is so wrong, so inaccurate.

Well, of course I didn’t tell him all my history, I didn’t like to argue but I told him, "Well I guess you are wrong."

"Oh well, you don’t know what a broken heart is, you never had a broken heart because when someone hurt you, they make you stronger, and they make you improve yourself, and you learn, you learn to be tougher. A broken heart means something affect your life negatively, it affects you in a long term, and usually not making you any better. "

Ya right, there you go, be tough again.

As usual, I quickly change topic to work related stuff, because this kind of thing you don’t want to have further discussion if you don’t believe it in.

But now come to think about it, maybe he is right, but if I can make a choice be tough or be sweet, I am so gonna pick to be a sweet girl, cause it seems so easy, just be there, be cute, be pity, be like you can’t live without someone, then you can have the whole world.

Because only sweet girls will make their man stay with them, not a tough girl like me who usually think of how can I go out there and beat up somebody like iron man!

So stop asking me, why I am all by myself.

Because hero usually is the lonely one.

Man, something to do with my name I guess

When my friend told me his mom is visiting from JB, I was so excited! I don’t know why but I just really want to take his mom out for dinner or something.

And I did, we had a good time, talking about a lot of familiar stuff, my hometown, my school, Singapore, my stupid governement and etc.

I always had a good time hang out with my friends’ mom, dad, grandparents, etc… I guess, because of the age different, they tell you things in very different perspective, and they have been living in the world for all these time, they seen so much, their wisdom and humor are so precious. I think I am old enough to understand them better and enjoy the conversation more than ever before.

Then suddenly, I miss home so much, I miss my family.

I called, and I told my dad meeting my friend’s mom surprisingly make me miss them so much.

And he was so happy to hear that.

I am glad.

It wasn’t fun anymore long ago.

I think God is super fair in term of creating human beings. If you are tough, God will give you all the obstacles to make you tougher, if you are not tough, then you can enjoy the rest of your life without going through so much. If you don’t like to make decision, hell ya, you never have to make any because somebody will always make the decision for you.

What you want to be, God will give you enough training to make sure you become the person you want to be. Be tough? Then go ahead, the tough road is ready for you. Be stupid? Then go ahead, the road to stupidity is waiting.

It was heartbreaking that I have to go through so much just because I always want to be a strong person, mentally and physically. I don’t like to receive help but I love helping others. I don’t like to show my weakness, I just want to be tough, without knowing what’s the reason why I want to be who I am today until I found myself putting back the pieces together.

Then I realize, being tough doesnt make my life any smoother. I am indeed very bless for what I have now, but just because I am tough, I have all these bullshit nonesense going on in my life that I have to deal with. Because people don’t care how I feel, they think yeah, she can handle it, so is ok, let’s rape her emotion in anyway we can. Let’s makes her drive us around cause she will never get tired. Let her do all the work because she is capable of and she will never complain.

Then I have all these crazy stories that I have no choice but listen to them everyday. All these belief that I don’t believe surrouding me and trying to brain wash me. I have to stand strong in my own belief and to defense myself silently. BE TOUGH!

Yeah, they are right, that is exactly how I deal with stuffs, the more I hate it, the more I want to prove that I can do it better than anyone else. BE TOUGH!

Who to blame? God or others?

There are so many blame in my life that I can’t digest them anymore. I am angry I am mad, because after pointing out the finger, I realize the finger is pointing back at me. Nothing seems logical besides me and myself. Because you have no control over other’s, because when you are a piece of shit, you are nothing. So forget about controlling and changing the person mind, it is impossible unless you are not a piece of shit anymore.

So tough equal to a piece of shit. Being tough make me so mad, make me lose myself, make me lose all the chances of being love, make me lonely, make me lost everything.

Then why, I kept asking myself, why it has to be so hard?

After all the madness I been through mentally, I finally find a reason to be so tough, to try so hard, to achieve my piece of shit ambition.

The earthquake, the cyclone, those bodies lying on the ground, not breathing.

Now I can be very definate that, if tomorrow is the end of the world, I will be one of the survivor. I will be one of those trap under the rumble after 120 hrs and still alive.

Because I am so freaking tough! Thank god!

So be tough is be ready, so let me continue to suffer, because we will never know what happen tomorrow, and let me continue to achieve my piece of shit ambition, because we all want to change the world eventhough…

is tough.

It is good talking to you, 1pm in the afternoon. I know you might never read this, but I have been trying to reach you, in writing, and it always fail, because we just can’t put anything into words.

I want the best thing happen to you, and everything will be ok, I want to let you know, everything will be ok because you are indeed the best person that I ever met, so only the best thing can happen to you, and I will allow only the best thing happen to you and your family.

You will be alright, I have faith. And I want you to know, it takes me the longest time to heal from those wounds, the longest, but I have to be strong, I have to show my tough side to the world. So do you, you will do the same I know, and at the end of the road, we will survive.

I am putting in just a little hope, you will be able to read this. And I am truly thank you for everything, everything before, and everything that just happened 30 minutes ago. And I do want to see you badly, to see with my own eyes that you are healthy and well.

We just want to live better, and things will be better.

Pray for all the victims in China and Burma, pray for the world.

I was driving home and the moment freezed in front of the red light.

I saw those people waiting at the bus stop, those people sitting in the car, not talking. Yes, we all share a moment that nobody talk.

Then I wonder if they all have the same frustration like me…

Wondering if the mother nature has been holding up too much,  too much mercy to all human kinds…

Wondering if I have been holding up too much, too much mercy to all my existing problems…

Green light.

Then I think of the pandas in Chengdu, I hope they are all safe.

To all the skis, boots and poles I have rented, to my riding buddies, to Mammoth, to Big Bear, to all my beautiful crashes, to all the bruises, to my 11+ 2 half runs for the season, to the end of the season.

Drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
’cause it’s all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you’re writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you’ve no idea what you’re like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it’s so amazing here
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can’t you see that all that stuff’s a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we’ve no time for later now
you can’t await your own arrival
you’ve 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it’s so amazing here
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

(PS: to all the broken hearts, summer is here, so let go)

I believe in love at first sight, but I also believe this is something happens once in a bluemoon.

But if you met many love at first sighters in one year, you will get pretty sick of it. The most sickening part is they tell you they are soooo into you becoz u look like someone else. Or they like certain part of your body or your look. Then they kept calling, even while you are at work, msn you like 2am in the morning with the stupid NUDGE!!

To be on my blacklist is the last place you wanna be, because I am very very very cruel to people that annoy the hell out of me, I just don’t waste time on people anymore. If I hate you, I show it to you, if I like you, I show it to you too.

But the most most sickening part about these people is, when you tell them "I HATE YOU", they all thought you are just kidding!!

What the hell? Why do people forget about taking time?

Maybe I am just too old fashion.